you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
