the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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