There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
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