Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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