you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
