why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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