i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
