am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
