I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
