i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
