Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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