So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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