Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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