Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
