so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
