Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
