She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
