Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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