The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
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