Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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