Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
