Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
