you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
