Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
