the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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