GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
