Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You ate ashes out of my bong
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize