After last night, I could never be a politician.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
You can't motorboat a personality
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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