OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
