Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize