I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
