I puked a lego.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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