i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
