I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
