Whod you bang
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
