put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
