dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
