My room smells like vodka and shame
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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