i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
