You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
