Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize