I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
