I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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