I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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