Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
