somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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