so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
50% drunk capacity currently
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
