oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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