you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
