Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
