dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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