So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
