uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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