My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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