census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
