i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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