I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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