The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
