Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
