She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
