i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
