There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
