I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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