my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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